Off My chest

Lord give me grace, with the intentional stupidity of some people. Tell me please, send me a sign as to why someone would do the things they do time and again, ignoring consequence and causing pain. Lord Lent has started, please give me the strength and tenacity to change the things that must be changes, to walk away from those things that refuse to fall into line, and embrace the things, no matter how daunting, that will lead me away from fruitless pursuits and relationships.Amen.

Now I am only a religious woman in the barest sense,looking to my church and pastor, for inspiration and good vibes. I try to tackle issues with logic and action. So you know when something has driven me to my knees that it must be something really bothersome. This thing is not in fact one thing but a series of event stretching back a decade that has formed the foundation of a mega ton, of atomic brain farts and big fights. I mean really? What do you do with someone who refuses to do anything but their own thing, even to their own detriment.

Well if you are me, first you fight. You scream and cry and throw things, you try to make them see your side, and try to get them to understand your point of view. And then you get confident that they do and try to move beyond it. It’s not easy but you try. Now I’m not saying I’m the easiest person in the world, but I ain’t that difficult either. If you see the point, the error in the situation, then don’t go back there. The best thing you can do to kill a resolution to a problem is take me back to the point of conflict. So it hurts all the more when it hits you in the face again. The same old thing, from the same old soul. So you begin to shut off, you start to say nothing and just bide your time. But that doesn’t work, because this fool gets it into their head that it’s all acceptable.

Now by now most sensible people would run for the hills and leave well alone, but me? I must be more sadistic that I thought. Because I try, I jump through hoops and make gestures even when it doesn’t bring about the desired result. I reflect and assess and regroup. Sad ain’t it?

It started weeks ago, intensified on Tuesday, reached a head on Sunday and seemed to want to resolve itself on Wednesday. Only it didn’t feel right to just say, forgiven or let it be. I think some part of me just wants to let peace reign. But there is the other side, the side that has had the epiphany. It’s not about me is it? It’s about someone who would purposefully perpetrate acts that are just straight from the annals of sheer convoluted logic in the name of some macho-esque pursuit of I don’t even know what at this point. Independence maybe?

I am exasperated and annoyed. And on the dawn of a season that should mean celebration for me and this dolt. But I know there is a resolution in sight, I may not see it yet but it’s there. I have faith, and I know that when the dust settles I will still be standing.

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