Yesterday I was 21, well not literally yesterday, but it feels like yesterday. It feels like yesterday I was the determined mother of one, and the world though dimmed just a bit by recent events, was still a place of infinite possibility. A place to be conquered, and I was a girl with a plan.
Not much has changed since then. The world has dimmed a bit more as events continued, and I became a lot more cynical. I fleshed out the ranks of the tribe now, and it’s been all in all a good ride with the tribe. Our adventure inspires rueful smiles, and a slight chill of terror as the first two members are eagerly knocking on Puberty’s door. What parent wants to deal with that?
But as it is with life, sometimes in pursuing a side quest, you forget the big picture. I never forgot really, it’s just that the side quests took a hell of a lot longer than I thought they would. I had, at 21, thought that by now I would be done with the list of have to’s and need to’s and be well into my what if’s.
By now that girl with the plan would have executed them all, and would be planning a gala for next year’s primary school graduation, she would have all the needs to’s on lock, so the want to’s would be just a hop, skip and a scheme away. She would have, and I sometimes wish that girl with the plan had been a little less idealistic, I wish she had left some of those altruistic side quests alone.
As you may have guessed she didn’t, and those quests helped her grow into me. The chick with a plan, still trying to get the have to’s and the need to’s, but losing faith fast that she will get to all the what if’s. I think the major difference between then and now is that I realize time and life are not linear. I can do some of the what if’s even before the need to’s, simply because some of those need to’s are just things that need to be assembled with patience and funds and time. Time that I would have spent standing still, waiting, even as road block after road block get in the way. I would be standing still sliding from cynical to bitter.
I also realize that some of my have to’s might not be need to’s, or I’ve found the path to the finish isn’t as clear cut as I thought, I have yet to chop down a few thickets that are still in the way. It’s a realization that has helped me pull back from the slippery slope to bitterness. So I’m welcoming the next phase, the beginning of a new decade in my saga. I won’t be standing still through this one, and the side quests I take form here on in will definitely lead to a need to. I won’t feel like I’m battling time, which flows on forgetting me.
Wow that was a lot of metaphor,lol, you might have guessed by now that I’m an RPG enthusiast. I guess now you guys know another of my nerdy little secrets, and the Chick with the plan doesn’t mind that at all. Thanks for sticking with me this long, you’ve all been a help and an inspiration. Hope the next leg of my story is even better, it will already a bit less lonely for sharing it with you.