Yep you read that right, don’t laugh. I’ve known she went missing for a while now, but I guess I just figured it would be OK. I figured that she would come home when she felt lonely, or maybe that a new set would grow in to suit my new dispositions in life, but I was wrong, and now I’m forced to ask the general public to put out an APB on my je ne sais quoi.
I’m actually certain I once had them, believe it or not there was a time when I could bat my eyelashes, sway my hips and sling sexy innuendo with the best of ’em. I could pick up on interest and inspire it when necessary. I knew how to grab attention with a few strategically loosened button on my shirt or a shy smile after just the right combination of words or phrases. I tell you I was good at this flirting thing, or so I was led to believe.
But in recent times, my willingness to flirt kinda faltered, I never liked dressing up but even that seems to have lost effect, perhaps my dislike for things with great wedgie potential and things that hurt my toes, and things I need crisco to slither into has become obvious to the rest of the world. Maybe the whole “‘mom’s aren’t supposed to be sexy” thing has gotten to me, or maybe it’s just plain being over whelmed with, you know adulthood. Hell maybe it’s just a tiredness with having to jump through all those hoops for a little lovin’. I don’t know but I lost it, and never has it been more obvious than today.
You see, today, I wanted to convey a little of that naughty witt I was so good at back in the day. I know what I wanted to say, I know what I wanted to achieve, but I know what it is to have my best pick up lines met with a look of utter confusion or worse laughed at, or even worse incredulity and distaste. So instead of the steamy message that I composed 50 different ways in my head I sent the following:
“!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <== Insert suggestive statement about the way I thing your new beard would…etc..” I kid you not. This actually left my keyboard. It got an lol” but not much else, and who can really blame the chief, that was pretty lame, right?
Oh but the humiliation didn’t end there. Later in the check out line, we are standing with my sister and son, and after some good natured banter about my tendency to smack people, I said to the Chief
“I’ll tell you later what I deserve.” I meant it to mean, some ice down his shorts when he settled in, or maybe a cannon splat onto his back. But the threat was met with laughter, and not his either.
“Was that a pick up line? That was soo lame, no wonder the man is confused.” she said making no attempt to veil her mirth. I must be in trouble if it’s that obvious huh?
And what a daunting prospect, since a woman in her early 30’s, about to crest the hill of sexual prowess, should at the very least know how to communicate her yearnings to her significant other. You still with me? Are you able to see the screen through your tears of laughter? ….Sigh….
Yes, so that’s my sad story and my plea, if anyone should see my feminine wiles wandering around somewhere, please tell her to come home. Tell her I miss her and I’m sorry for whatever I did to make her abandon me, and if she really is so mad that she doesn’t want to come back, could she please send on a list of good lines, and strategies that I can use, with instructions on correct implementation?
Thanks a heap, this one really has me in a quandary.