Noah…was that Canon?

Spoiler Alert

noah-movie-review-noah

Did you watch Noah? No not any of the 10 million animated ones, or the old timey ones with the grey beards and the brightly colored ye old party animals. I’m talking about the new Hollywood Noah. You know sexy Noah, with that hunky, gravelly voiced, rugged, Russel Crowe.

Indeed, from the very beginning me and the Who Watched dat Movie crew have surmised that these Hollywood adaptations would be the only reference many folks in the generation after us will have of the classic bible stories. That being said I can understand why the New personifications of Noah (Russel Crowe), Moses (Batman) and Jesus (Sorry I don’t know his name), have such…errr….appeal. I mean sex sells, so it stands to reason that the people making the movies, or more rather trying to make a killing from these movies would cast strong young well formed people, rather than grizzled and gnarled men. I understand it, but not sure I agree.

Also I understand that the portrayal of Noah which is less Lord of the Rings and more Pineapple Express might get some panties in a knot, but isn’t that truer to the story as told in the bible. This was a bible story after all, and isn’t that like the one book that you absolutely have to stay faithful to?

This whole ye olden distopian nation of violent raping crazies, willing to kidnap and trade their daughters for scraps of meat, isn’t what I remember learning about in Sunday school. Now I could be wrong, I’m not the most faithful church goer but didn’t the people deny the truth of Noah’s prophesy and laugh the poor man out of town. Wasn’t he part of the community? Didn’t they come begging at the Arch?

I don’t remember a war with chain wielding, stone encrusted fallen angels, I certainly don’t remember the particularly unsavory King. Not the whole sneaking on board and eating and slaughtering stuff. I would think that after putting in all that effort to gather two of the best specimens, in all the smiting, the King might have been smoted for doing that . (That’s the word right, to smite, to have smoted?) You get the picture.

I think that element of disbelief is why the people on the outside would have drowned, no? I mean seriously if you knew, a whopping 10 years or more in advance that God was going to drown the world, and you were surrounded by a forest provided specifically for the purpose of building a boat, you wouldn’t have spent any time at all, you know… building a boat of your own? Dude not even the ye oldies could have been that dumb. They fully deserved the stark and disturbing death they got. That’ll teach them for being that dumb.

And don’t even get me started on the Ham/Wife drama.

Suffice it to say, I didn’t hate it. It didn’t make me quiver or birth in me an urge to praise. The acting was solid, they get exactly what they set out to achieve spot on. There where characters we could all fall into and grow to love and struggles to help you make those connection. It was spectacular to look at  even the death scenes…ugh….and just plain out epic.

I’ll give it a 6, because while it had all that, much like the Ultimate movie dud 47 Ronin, I’m not sure that was Canon.

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