Can’t stand me. compliments the Daily Prompt
For once I’ll behave and do what the daily prompt asked me to do. This isn’t like that time when they asked me to bare my soul about my most embarrassing moment, or the many times they seemed to be asking me to tell everyone all about my insecurities or my deep deep, dark dark places. They only want to know whether or not I can stand to watch or hear myself.
I can actually stand neither. I don’t love to hear my own voice, recorded, over a mic, even sometimes in the classroom. I don’t love the nasally way my voice sometimes sound, probably by virtue of the way all my people, versed in the creole, tend to speak.
I get it right most times, the tone and inflection. When I read a piece and it conveys just the right emotional timbre, or I give a lecture, and it carried that authority and power with a hint of comfortable approachability. In the moment of it happening, or even just after, I’m good, but don’t ask me to hear it again. To listen to that confident, well spoken woman, whom ever she is.
I’ve seen myself on video, and haven’t loved that either. Somehow I find myself watching the woman on the screen and wondering about her. As if she wasn’t me and as if I hadn’t lived the moment, in her body. It’s weird, a kind of out-of-body kind of experience. You know? No? So it’s just me? huh.
I guess that’s what it comes down to, I don’t feel confident a lot of the time. (Kind of Ironic when you think about it. I am of all things, a teacher, who writes and thus must do a whole lot of performing and/or self promoting, by the nature of my trades.) I tend to be one of those folks who slips into a persona when it benefits me, let the warrior princess scholar lady come out and do her thing. So the woman, on the screen or on the tape, has a kind of dissociated quality, I haven’t fully reconciled her to be me, and so listening to her, watching her, and claiming to be her, is a little off for me.
Does that make sense? No? Yes? Kinda? Alright. Thanks for reading. Imma go find a corner to be shy in now. Later.