Listening to Road Noise…where to fit?

Wow it’s been a while since I wrote one of these…been a very long time since I just let my fingers amble across my keyboard, letting thoughts pour out where they may.

I know why I haven’t been doing it. You see, somewhere in recent months I lost my confidence. No…that’s not precisely it. I’m not sure how to phrase it exactly, except to say I wasn’t sure that anything I had to say would fit into the rhetoric that people wanted to hear, wanted to read.

I figure in the worrying, I kind of lost myself. I was trying to fit in, and truth is I’m not sure who I was trying to fit in with. When I was younger fitting in was never an issue, there was always a rag tag band of misfits ready to take me in. We were out of the box and we liked it.

But now everybody has thrown away the damn box, everybody is a rebel in this boxless, structureless, social system filled with boxes to check so you can belong to some group of rebels, and I’m confused. I think I tempered into someone more radical but also more conventional than my contemporaries. -_- I know right?

I’m more reserved than the reserved people say they ought to be, but more out there than the out there people think they are. Experiencing and doing things they celebrate but without the need to extrovert it. You know? No? OK.

And a child walks in and starts talking and I completely lose my trend of thought. Errrrrrrr.

At the end of the day I find myself a fairly objective observer outside every group I come across, not feeling particularly inclined to join anyone because some part of the fundamental group rebellion doesn’t appeal to me, or because my soul just doesn’t take and they set off my jibbering rage monkey. Don’t judge me, you have one too.

My granny used to say something to the tune of “If you’re at odds with everyone else, then everyone else can’t be the problem.” so maybe it is me. Maybe it is me that doesn’t fit and has concocted for myself a moral, ethical and general personality framework that just doesn’t fit anywhere. And I do mean anywhere, not at home, not at work, not on the Facebook or the Twitter, not in person and certainly not in print.

So what to do? I can’t dump social media, that’s how I stave off loneliness, and there is my game with all the croppies. I can’t abandon my family, they live where my stuff is. I can’t quit my job, I’m kind of addicted to food, and I can’t stop writing, because it’s most of what I think about these days, even though I’m not doing a whole lot of it. So… blend in? Fake it, til I make it?

When this first started I used to be pretty good at blending in. You know? Just smiling and nodding, or giving the right non-committal sound at the right moment to make it by. Maybe even participate in the conversation just enough to satisfy and not bring on the revulsion of folks faced with an outsider.

Unfortunately, it’s not enough for me anymore. I want to be a part, I want to feel…not so alien. I want to feel included in something, but my person suit has grown too small and people are beginning to see inside. I’m not sure they’ll like it, and I’m not sure I care.

Any advice for a poor lonely sinner? I know the thought isn’t completely complete but another kid just walked in and there isn’t the slightest chance of getting back on track…sigh…the mommy life.


2 thoughts on “Listening to Road Noise…where to fit?

  1. You know what, hon? You’re not alone. I feel like I’ve been standing in the middle of an empty room for weeks now when it comes to writing AND when it comes to connecting with people. I’ve just spent an hour googling all kind of writing prompts to find something that interests me the least little bit. And like you, I have no clue what happened. Unless it’s that when I was done digging around in my innards I found there really wasn’t anything there under all those masks at all. I don’t have any advice for you, sweet girl, but I did want you to know you’re not alone. I keep wondering if this is what the face of depression looks like… {{{Michelle}}}


  2. I really really liked your way of talking…oops i meant writing. and about wanting to fit in…and failing. I am kind of in the same boat and have been for some time now. And my granny used to say the exact same thing too! right now, my strategy is to fake it. Not because i want to make it, but it’s just polite to not tell people how much we are not in sync! So yes, smile and nod; edge in a sentence or two, make appropriate sounds and you’re in a group. But is that where you want to be? Often i find that the group i tried to fit in to, has stopped fitting me. Its like my baby growing out of his clothes. So who’s fault is it? The clothes for not growing with him? or my son’s not staying small enough to still fit into them? That’s exactly the case with me. Maybe i needed to learn something from some group and thats when it fit me. I learnt my lesson and grew out of it and wanted to explore other groups. Kind of like if you want to reach some place, you need to first get out of the place you are at now. Constant movement is life. It’s like when you jump into a pool, the water swirls to make way for you – same with life. You just keep moving and things will make way for you. But in all this, the most important thing is, you gotta like who and what you are.

    I am soooo sorry. i just realized i kind of went into the lecture mode! i just couldnt control my fingers flying all over the keyboard in some weird frenzied dance! I’ll cut it short here…Take care dear and keep writing…children derail the thoughts but maybe you needed a change of scenery anyways 🙂


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