Wow it’s been a while since I wrote one of these…been a very long time since I just let my fingers amble across my keyboard, letting thoughts pour out where they may.
I know why I haven’t been doing it. You see, somewhere in recent months I lost my confidence. No…that’s not precisely it. I’m not sure how to phrase it exactly, except to say I wasn’t sure that anything I had to say would fit into the rhetoric that people wanted to hear, wanted to read.
I figure in the worrying, I kind of lost myself. I was trying to fit in, and truth is I’m not sure who I was trying to fit in with. When I was younger fitting in was never an issue, there was always a rag tag band of misfits ready to take me in. We were out of the box and we liked it.
But now everybody has thrown away the damn box, everybody is a rebel in this boxless, structureless, social system filled with boxes to check so you can belong to some group of rebels, and I’m confused. I think I tempered into someone more radical but also more conventional than my contemporaries. -_- I know right?
I’m more reserved than the reserved people say they ought to be, but more out there than the out there people think they are. Experiencing and doing things they celebrate but without the need to extrovert it. You know? No? OK.
And a child walks in and starts talking and I completely lose my trend of thought. Errrrrrrr.
At the end of the day I find myself a fairly objective observer outside every group I come across, not feeling particularly inclined to join anyone because some part of the fundamental group rebellion doesn’t appeal to me, or because my soul just doesn’t take and they set off my jibbering rage monkey. Don’t judge me, you have one too.
My granny used to say something to the tune of “If you’re at odds with everyone else, then everyone else can’t be the problem.” so maybe it is me. Maybe it is me that doesn’t fit and has concocted for myself a moral, ethical and general personality framework that just doesn’t fit anywhere. And I do mean anywhere, not at home, not at work, not on the Facebook or the Twitter, not in person and certainly not in print.
So what to do? I can’t dump social media, that’s how I stave off loneliness, and there is my game with all the croppies. I can’t abandon my family, they live where my stuff is. I can’t quit my job, I’m kind of addicted to food, and I can’t stop writing, because it’s most of what I think about these days, even though I’m not doing a whole lot of it. So… blend in? Fake it, til I make it?
When this first started I used to be pretty good at blending in. You know? Just smiling and nodding, or giving the right non-committal sound at the right moment to make it by. Maybe even participate in the conversation just enough to satisfy and not bring on the revulsion of folks faced with an outsider.
Unfortunately, it’s not enough for me anymore. I want to be a part, I want to feel…not so alien. I want to feel included in something, but my person suit has grown too small and people are beginning to see inside. I’m not sure they’ll like it, and I’m not sure I care.
Any advice for a poor lonely sinner? I know the thought isn’t completely complete but another kid just walked in and there isn’t the slightest chance of getting back on track…sigh…the mommy life.