Can you guess what my first movie of 2017 was? Well can you? Oh you can? I guess I made it kind of obvious didn’t I?
Last week me and the gang went out to see the new Underworld movie. Number 5 in the ongoing series of Gangster movies, that try to pass themselves off as part of the occult genre. It didn’t disappoint, it was, in my opinion, absolutely terrible and I must say I enjoyed it to the fullest. Though to be fair I didn’t go for the supernatural thrill or even for the action. I went for the utter ridiculousness over the too-ness that these movies have come to embody for me.
Here is your obligatory spoiler alert. The following passages may include spoilers. So if you know you are bothered by that sort of thing, go with my blessing and watch, approach with a light heart though, and leave your inner occultist at home.
1. By now we are all accustomed to Selene and her signature skin tight leather outfit. Kate fills that thing out well and even though we can’t imagine how this thing could be functional as fighting garb, it does add to the sexy motif that the movie is trying very hard to sell us.
While they ditched the overly sinuous movement that has come to be associated with supernatural sexuality, they did drape the entire cast in so much black that we had to wonder if they was any black cloth left in all the world.
But even that wasn’t what struck me as most ridiculous. What struck me was the fact that the outfit is SELF HEALING!!!! I mean it has to be, for the amount of shots, stabs, pokes and projectiles it took, and still managed to always in the next scene to appear shiny and whole. I can’t imagine why it never dawned on me before, but then this is the first time I’ve gone to see one of these with my hawk-eyed compatriots in the movie group.
2. Now let us look at it in terms of the timeline. First the vampires were on top, all winning the war and stuff. Then Micheal came along and they killed a whole bunch of elders hence weakening the vampire community. Then in the last installment it had gotten so bad that the wolves had risen to some semblance of dominance what with the experimenting and so on, and the vampires were little more than an underclass, all be it impeccably dressed but an underclass non the less.
So how is it that the elders in this thing were so arrogant? I get that prejudice is hard to kill, but you mean to tell me that you are sitting in the last Vamy stronghold and you’rE think you’re sitting pretty? Has it not occurred to them that they are the last because all the others are gone?…at the hand of the wolves?…the same ones they think wouldn’t attack them? Almost as if the elders of this coven didn’t watch the last movies but got some pretty limited cliff notes. Further how could they be so dismissive of the women in their midst, when their top most wanted criminal, best warrior and strategic general, Is a woman?
As such it left our vampires at a distinct and painful disadvantage that who wholly unnecessary. To make the matter worse, this very arrogance left our citadel exposed to a threat so sinister that when she struck they were all left aghast. Uck, and to say these are the kings of intrigue. Just Uck. Which leads me to…
3. Meet team Semara. Making it at number three on my ridiculous list. The absolute queen of the one liner in this film, she is also our resident comic book villain, complete with henchman and an overly complicated plan to meet her rather transparent goal. She can fight, she has that sinister grace, and is a good enough actress to hide it, I started being very excited about this one.
I will give it to this movie, the plot advance rather quickly with not very much exposition, I give a hat for that. But this Victor wannabe, with a flare for the over dramatic, who is resourceful enough to manipulate enemies and friends alike, was again thwarted by…you guessed it…her own arrogance.
The lady needed to take a step back and listen to herself. She needed to pay attention to the very flaws in her people that allowed her to reach the position she had attained. I mean what kind of villain only throws herself at the male lead who she might eventually need on her side only once? And don’t get me started on how her own selfishness robber her of an enhanced army and boy toy of her own. Sigh, I do say, as far as baddy bads go, she was rather a great disappointment. Spectacular and well played, but a disappointment.
4. These showdowns. While we all fully acknowledge that Hollywood takes privileges with things like the laws of physics and the general number of bullets that can fit in any magazine at any given time, I still found the showdown between Marius and our two heroes to be really amusing.
The thing that got me is that both David and Selene have either gotten or discovered that they have gotten a major power upgrade. Why then could we not have had a display of power so epic that it made us feel inappropriate things as we watched? Instead we had our heroes blithering about, getting thwarted by not our enhanced Marius, but by their own emotions and or general ineptitude. Was this for dramatic effect? Were they trying to humanize these characters? Probably. But this is a movie about supernatural beings right? Soooo….why not rip out the stops and let them do what you promised by tying the words “Vampire and Werewolf” into this convoluted gangsta flick?
I mean yeah they won in the end, that there is a given. If they didn’t, how could they have set up Underworld 6? But it would have been far more satisfying if they had slapped a bit more badass on it.
5. OK, so here it is that we now have reached the crux of my ire with this entire series. The werewolf transformations. These creatures were set up to fail from the onset. Firstly when they are in their most powerful form they seem to be rather inept, lacking the capability for thought and strategy that should be a given, given the “were” part of it.
Instead they divulge into a more primitive state when they transform, though from what I’ve seen of them isn’t much of a downgrade since they are mostly daft in the first place anyhow. Add to that the fact that they charge into battle all human shaped, get frustrated with their own tactics and must transform in order to effectively-ish beat their foes and voila easily beatable enemy.
How so? You may be asking. Just watch the gif? From the start of the transformation to the battle roar. Ready? Ok Let’s go. 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3…….10 Mississippi. A whole ten seconds when, in the heart of battle, these wolves are basically unable to act. How about we stab or decapitate now, oh being with supernatural speed and strength? A chop here a silver injection even? No? Your just gonna stand their and watch as the boss levels up and your life bar is already half? Ok, nothing at all ridiculous about that is there?
I did give this movie a 5.5 though, because technically and in terms of general lore and common sense it was lacking. I know somewhere in the nerdiverse someone is about to lose what little they had of their shyte but be assured that I did love it to pieces, I would even watch it again.