XXX:The return of Xander Cage and Resident evil: the final chapter?

Here it is guys, I’ve finally gotten a chance to sit and ruminate over these movies. I’ll admit I watched them both weeks ago, but I’ve had a hell of a time trying to figure out how I was going to review them. I had to give it some real contemplation because I really had to try hard to find material that was comment worthy and thus enough to create a whole review for each movie. In the end I couldn’t and such we are gonna have this double feature review.

I’ll try to keep the spoiler to a minimum, thought to tell you the truth there isn’t much here to spoil. So…who’s first? *flips coin*

If you watched that trailer then I think you would have watched the best part of xXx: The return of Xander Cage. They even included pretty much the whole plot for us, which makes my job kind of easy since I won’t have to recap what is essentially the story equivalent of a sieve. Did anything stand out? *scratches chin* hmmmm let’s see.

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  1. This movie had a few nice stunt sequences, I’m told that is what is expected of this franchise, but to tell you the truth I watched the other two movies and barely remember what they were about. There were guns and explosions and some sporty stunt-y things so I guess that saying action and stunt-age are what is expected can be construed as a true statement. I’m guessing since Vin and Ice are part of it then the cheesy one liners are all part of it too. I wasn’t particularly impressed by either feature, which is saying something as I tend to fully appreciate Hollywood Physics when I see them. The action and dialogue both left me with a feeling of ‘meh’.
  2. The cast, the cast was good, badly used but good. Let me clarify. return-of-xander-cage-character-posters-xxxthemovie-13-820x772The movie contained names such as Deepika Padukone, Donnie Yen and Tony Jaa. Folks who could have easily carried off this movie without Vin or Ruby or the DJ guy or the Crash Bandicoot wanna be or who was that blond lady? Not that Vin was particularly bad, they were all bad. I was hoping for a Fast and the Furious kind of feel and ended up just watching people moving and hitting things, often filmed in a way that wasn’t cohesive or even aesthetically pleasing. Come to think of it this was one of the few movies in which Samuel L. Jackson has appeared that didn’t dazzle me, and was that Micheal from Underworld? The only character there that was even a little amusing was our resident tech nerd sexually ambiguous girl person, who by virtue of this movie I can’t even properly remember.

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And that’s about it for that. See what I mean about not much to work with? Ugh.

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Resident Evil: The Final Chapter… or was it…was…well…ummm…a fair attempt?

Visually this thing was rich, as rich maybe as the first two movies, which were arguably the best in the franchise. Note that this observation is more from trailers, clips and still art I’ve seen that the actual film, but I’ll get to that later.

This installment did not disappoint when it came to the creature feature we have come to associate with Resident Evil. So visually our bases were covered. The dialogue wasn’t anything deep or philosophical, but if you went there expecting that of Resident Evil, then you’re obviously not a long time fan, so you are forgiven your misgivings.  

There was one line there that floored me, well more a phrase. Don’t be surprised if you find me with some characters who embody the phrase “Trinity of Bitches.” Loved that.

Plot-wise I think this movie was too little too late. They tried to fill in some of the blanks, introduce some story line and back story, maybe to make us more sympathetic to Alice or the Red Queen or to the little girl turned old lady she was modeled after. Thanks for that nod to the amount of time the fans have been faithful by the way.

The too little too late theme continues as we were presented with a host of recycled characters, for example, Dr. Baddy Bad and co, Mr Glowy eyes, and Mz Badass from the…one of the earlier installments. We only got one memorable addition in the person of one Ms Ruby Rose.  Come to think of it she was in both of these huh? Hmmm…interesting.

Too bad she can’t return for the next one. What? You thought this was the last one? Well they did say the third one was the last one, and that was how many ago? They spent quite a bit of plot setting up another one, sooooo I for one will be looking out for that, maybe 2019 after all the Marvel hype has cooled and we are all too bored to remember what a flop this one was.

Again, not the greatest movie, pretty much meh.

So both movies will get a combined score of 5.5. Split it how you will, any way you do they deserve it. I wouldn’t go watch them again, probably won’t even bother to pause channel surfing when they come on. But, if and when you do, let me know if there was anything I missed.

Now on a different note. The showing of Resident Evil: The Final chapter was my worst experience at our local megaplex to date. An experience characterized by a screen that was mostly blurry and unfocused and the loud, rude, completely inappropriate hood babies that took up residence right next to us. Though any of these factors could have been bad all by itself, what makes this event worthy of note is the fact that more than one member of our party complained on more than one occasion to the staff of the establishment.

Uck, Ugh and Uck. I can only hope that the message was received and next rant I can go back to just ranting about the kind of people who bring babies to watch horror movies, on the late show, on a school night.

Thanks for sitting through this with me guys, much love from my keyboard to you.

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